look no pants
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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