then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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