I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
