2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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