There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
