I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
