I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
