This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
