i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
