This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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