So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
