She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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