I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
