my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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