I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
