They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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