I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
