No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
