Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
