my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
