this beer tastes like vomit already
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
NoShamevember. You game?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
