I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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