Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize