He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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