yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
