I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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