don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize