Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
