you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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