i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
