I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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