So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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