Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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