nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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