apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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