WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize