make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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