got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
