Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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