I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize