You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
