break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
