Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
