I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
