I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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