I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
