dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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