No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
