I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
