Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
