You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
