so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
