I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
