I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
