This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
