I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
