you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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