a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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