Please don't use social media to get back at me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
