SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
