I skipped work to stalk him.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
