Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
