he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
